Ever since I can remember I've devoted a lot of thought to what marriage should be.
My parents divorced when I was nine. When they broke the news to us, I didn't even know what divorce was. As a teenager and beyond I have to say I analyzed everything I knew about their marriage from my own memories and from both of my parents "side" of the story over and over again. I watched my mom get married again and get divorced again, more data to mull over. I looked at both sets of grandparents (who are both past the 50th anniversary mark). Through high school and college my second family was my boyfriend, Cody's, family. I spent a lot of time with his parents and two married siblings. I have now spent the last five years looking at my husband, Curt's, parent's relationship.
I can safely say that most teenagers don't put much thought into the institution of marriage and how it plays into and affects family...but I can honestly say I put more than a decade of intense thought into the subject before I did marry. I was quiet about it. For something I thought about so often you would think that it would have made it into more conversations, but it was a deeply personal and sensitive subject for me.
I will share just a tiny slice of my conclusions here, but really, if I truly recorded all of them it would take up a book. Also...please don't take any of my statements to be feelings of condemnation. While I have strong feelings of what is right and try my very best to live them as not to be a hypocrite, I would be a sad and bitter person if I somehow thought it was my place to judge others based on this list...especially in this day and age.
1. The decision to marry is probably the most important decision in life. It affects everything.
It is not something to take lightly or quickly. Even if you date for a really long time, you cannot know everything about a person, but you have a better chance of gauging if you do have a lot of time. You also can have a cooler head if you can chill on the physical side, I already posted here about that.
2. Commitment is vital. Marriage should be approached with the attitude that it really is permanent. Divorce just cannot be a fall back. (Disclaimer: there are cases where divorce is appropriate, but they are rare, like really severely rare. Like one person is crazy rare.) I have had some real eye opening experiences lately on how typical people currently view marriage. When learning that I quit my project manager job to move here so that my husband could go to grad school, they say things like "that was nice, I wouldn't do that", "I wouldn't sacrifice my career for a spouse", or the best one (read stupidest, and yes, they really did say this) "well at least if he makes more money you'll get better alimony". WHAT!?! Are you kidding me? How sad that it is just assumed that all marriage ends in divorce, the only variance being how long it lasts.
3. Communication is absolutely key. It has always surprised me when I hear comments from one or the other of a couple insinuating that there are things that they do/buy/think that their spouse does not know about. Sometimes they blame the gender gap, thinking that it is just natural that they don't think the same. Sometimes there's an assumption that they just wouldn't understand (i.e. is not smart enough in an area, like with finances). Sometimes the excluded spouse is perfectly inclined to the exclusion. This is ridiculous. In my opinion there is no room for this in a marriage that functions how marriage was intended to work.
There needs to be talk, there needs to be real input from both spouses on child rearing, budgets, politics, everything. Talk. Know who the heck you married. Even if you are terrible with money, it does not excuse you from knowing what is going on and being a budget participant, otherwise you are just a lazy drain. You are missing out on the best your marriage could be.
I think this is as long as I am going to post today, this is the basics. Like I said, I could probably go on and on and on. I will probably do more posts on this topic over time.
My parents divorced when I was nine. When they broke the news to us, I didn't even know what divorce was. As a teenager and beyond I have to say I analyzed everything I knew about their marriage from my own memories and from both of my parents "side" of the story over and over again. I watched my mom get married again and get divorced again, more data to mull over. I looked at both sets of grandparents (who are both past the 50th anniversary mark). Through high school and college my second family was my boyfriend, Cody's, family. I spent a lot of time with his parents and two married siblings. I have now spent the last five years looking at my husband, Curt's, parent's relationship.
I can safely say that most teenagers don't put much thought into the institution of marriage and how it plays into and affects family...but I can honestly say I put more than a decade of intense thought into the subject before I did marry. I was quiet about it. For something I thought about so often you would think that it would have made it into more conversations, but it was a deeply personal and sensitive subject for me.
I will share just a tiny slice of my conclusions here, but really, if I truly recorded all of them it would take up a book. Also...please don't take any of my statements to be feelings of condemnation. While I have strong feelings of what is right and try my very best to live them as not to be a hypocrite, I would be a sad and bitter person if I somehow thought it was my place to judge others based on this list...especially in this day and age.
1. The decision to marry is probably the most important decision in life. It affects everything.
It is not something to take lightly or quickly. Even if you date for a really long time, you cannot know everything about a person, but you have a better chance of gauging if you do have a lot of time. You also can have a cooler head if you can chill on the physical side, I already posted here about that.
2. Commitment is vital. Marriage should be approached with the attitude that it really is permanent. Divorce just cannot be a fall back. (Disclaimer: there are cases where divorce is appropriate, but they are rare, like really severely rare. Like one person is crazy rare.) I have had some real eye opening experiences lately on how typical people currently view marriage. When learning that I quit my project manager job to move here so that my husband could go to grad school, they say things like "that was nice, I wouldn't do that", "I wouldn't sacrifice my career for a spouse", or the best one (read stupidest, and yes, they really did say this) "well at least if he makes more money you'll get better alimony". WHAT!?! Are you kidding me? How sad that it is just assumed that all marriage ends in divorce, the only variance being how long it lasts.
3. Communication is absolutely key. It has always surprised me when I hear comments from one or the other of a couple insinuating that there are things that they do/buy/think that their spouse does not know about. Sometimes they blame the gender gap, thinking that it is just natural that they don't think the same. Sometimes there's an assumption that they just wouldn't understand (i.e. is not smart enough in an area, like with finances). Sometimes the excluded spouse is perfectly inclined to the exclusion. This is ridiculous. In my opinion there is no room for this in a marriage that functions how marriage was intended to work.
There needs to be talk, there needs to be real input from both spouses on child rearing, budgets, politics, everything. Talk. Know who the heck you married. Even if you are terrible with money, it does not excuse you from knowing what is going on and being a budget participant, otherwise you are just a lazy drain. You are missing out on the best your marriage could be.
I think this is as long as I am going to post today, this is the basics. Like I said, I could probably go on and on and on. I will probably do more posts on this topic over time.
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